Sunday, October 15, 2006

The Object of My Affection

Dear Chicken Butt,

My best friend Steve is the most wonderful, handsome man I've ever known. We go out all the time, call each other constantly and spend holidays together. Even though he's gay, he's always been my Valentine, brought me chicken soup when I've been sick and tells me my last boyfriend was a pompous jerk and that I'm better off. I realized that maybe Steve is keeping me from dating other men, ultimately ruining any chances of my having a family of my own. What do you think?

--Urban Hag

Dear Julia-Grace Adler-Madonna-Cher-Judy-Bette,

Best friends are special no matter what their gender, sexual preference. If you were in love with Steve, that would be a problem. Truth is, you would date if you wanted to date. If you're enjoying yourself, why rock the boat? There is an episode of Will & Grace (Season 1) that deals with this same problem.

For further elucidation, let's turn to Julia in My Best Friend's Wedding. Rupert Everett proved especially useful when she wanted to break up Dermott Mulroney (or Dylan McDermott? No, but he was engaged to Julia) and Cameron Diaz. Gay Rupert played her fiance but mostly mentored Julia, which she needed because she was a bad, bad girl. Bottom line: They were best friends forever and who better to hang with at a wedding?

So then, Madonna saw the chemistry between Julia and Rupert and thought, that bitch, I'm gonna get me some Rupert. And in The Next Best Thing, Rupert played Madonna's gay best friend -- only Madonna got him drunk, nailed him and got pregnant. It was the conquest of the century and one notch above Julia's feat. Madonna and Rupert weren't celibate during their friendship. In fact, she meets Benjamin Bratt (who was dating Julia during the movie) and they live happily ever after in the cosmic suck-fest that is the film.

The point is, never, ever question your love for others. And never ever out-do Madonna.

--CB

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