Monday, October 23, 2006

Sibling Mind Games

Dear Chicken Butt,

I was updating my Netflix queue, adding all sorts of movies, when I realized it was my brother's account. Should I remove my choices? He will be horrified by "The L Word" and the new Lindsay Lohan movie.

--Sassy Sis

Dear Sassy,

Nah, leave it. This will add spice to your brother's life. Plus, he'll wonder if he's losing his mind and that's always fun. Your antics will get him back for the time he stole your clothes, locked you in a room, you had no escape and guests were arriving any second.

If you want to talk about evil siblings, one need only consult Bobby Brady, the king of cute pranks. Next time, though, consider raising the stakes. Like say, putting Tabasco, pepper, egg, vinegar in his soda.

--Butt

Friday, October 20, 2006

I Love to Hate Jonathan Franzen

Dear Chicken Butt,

I don't know why, but I was struck with wild joy when I read Daniel Mendelsohn's skewering of Jonathan Franzen's latest "book" of essays, The Discomfort Zone in the New York Times Book Review. I've disliked this author ever since his dissing of Oprah and subsequent articles detailing his pretentious life and writing process. I read some of The Corrections, thought it was okay, more like a really long book. He's not the worst or best I've ever read, but why do I hate him so much? It's an intense emotion and with little foundation.

--Hate and the City

Dear Hans-und-Franzen,

On sight hatred is okay and it's a free country. Not to plant a bad seed, but maybe this intense emotion is caused by some past life. Mayhap you and Jonathan duked it out over the love of a medieval lady. Whatever the case may be, it's good practice to develop concrete reasons for this hatred--as Franzen didn't really do when poo-pooing O's book club.

Poor Chicken Butt was asked tonight why she hated Michael Chick-less of The Shield. She couldn't explain why but instead poked and scratched for the young bartender rooster, whose love of action movies rivaled hers. Chicken Butt had no good reason for hating Michael Chick-less. She just hated him--he's bald, when everyone is freaking bald these days, and he's so ruff-n-tuff because of his shaved head, and ooh, he carries around a shield. Isn't that enough? Apparently not. Chicken Butt can't stand Jennifer Jason Leigh either and squawks every time she sees the crazy twitch on a screen. Has to avert her eyes for Brian Dennehey films. Thinks the Pussycat Dolls are empty and RIDICULOUS as entertainment. Never totally got into the Beatles! Stop me before I dig myself deeper.

Franzen may deserve ridicule, but arm yourself if you want to defend your right to despise. Once you acquire more insight into your hate and its object, secretly join me in a chicken dance of loathing. If we loved everyone, we'd be...well...God.

--CB

Sunday, October 15, 2006

The Object of My Affection

Dear Chicken Butt,

My best friend Steve is the most wonderful, handsome man I've ever known. We go out all the time, call each other constantly and spend holidays together. Even though he's gay, he's always been my Valentine, brought me chicken soup when I've been sick and tells me my last boyfriend was a pompous jerk and that I'm better off. I realized that maybe Steve is keeping me from dating other men, ultimately ruining any chances of my having a family of my own. What do you think?

--Urban Hag

Dear Julia-Grace Adler-Madonna-Cher-Judy-Bette,

Best friends are special no matter what their gender, sexual preference. If you were in love with Steve, that would be a problem. Truth is, you would date if you wanted to date. If you're enjoying yourself, why rock the boat? There is an episode of Will & Grace (Season 1) that deals with this same problem.

For further elucidation, let's turn to Julia in My Best Friend's Wedding. Rupert Everett proved especially useful when she wanted to break up Dermott Mulroney (or Dylan McDermott? No, but he was engaged to Julia) and Cameron Diaz. Gay Rupert played her fiance but mostly mentored Julia, which she needed because she was a bad, bad girl. Bottom line: They were best friends forever and who better to hang with at a wedding?

So then, Madonna saw the chemistry between Julia and Rupert and thought, that bitch, I'm gonna get me some Rupert. And in The Next Best Thing, Rupert played Madonna's gay best friend -- only Madonna got him drunk, nailed him and got pregnant. It was the conquest of the century and one notch above Julia's feat. Madonna and Rupert weren't celibate during their friendship. In fact, she meets Benjamin Bratt (who was dating Julia during the movie) and they live happily ever after in the cosmic suck-fest that is the film.

The point is, never, ever question your love for others. And never ever out-do Madonna.

--CB

Saturday, October 14, 2006

A Storm of Confessions

The tragedy of the Andrea Gail's fatal journey touches me and I can't imagine the pain of the crew's loved ones. However, this hen confesses to wild laughter due to cliched Hollywood writing during The Perfect Storm, which I watched this afternoon (and caught up on ironing).
It was when Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio yelled to George Clooney into the radio, "You're headed straight for the monster!" that set me off.

Did love Diane Lane and fab special effects, though.

More Bachelorette Behavior

I looked at my feathers this morning, saw an errant strand and went for the scissors. I cut a little on one side, then the other. My wastebasket is filled with feathers and now, I'm like Barbra Streisand in Funny Girl when she's pregnant and has that short poofy coif--only not as even.

My feather-stylist is going to kill me. Or laugh hysterically. I hope he doesn't read this.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Confessions of Bachelorette Behavior


Tonight I had a dinner of mashed potatoes onto which I put tartar sauce. I felt disgusting until I remembered Mel Gibson's eating dog food in The Road Warrior. We do what we must in order to survive.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Teacher's Pet

Dear Tao Butt,

I had this teacher who came in to teach English when I was a senior. He was really hot and I could tell he liked me. Nothing happened when I was his student. Ten years have gone by and I ran into him in the store. We went out for coffee and I see him often. He's not much older than me and no longer my teacher, so why hasn't he made a move?

Dear Dilated Pupil,

To understand this predicament, you should ask Jeff Daniels for advice. He played an ardent professor in two movies: The Squid and the Whale and Terms of Endearment.
Sexy yet fraudulent Italian teacher Dominic West tantalized the trampy Maggie Gyllenhaal in Mona Lisa Smile

Teachers are hot. Mentors and bosses are alluring. This Chicken Butt even crushed on a rooster or two. But it could have been that Farmer Dell spiked my water with sugar. Trust nature to take its course (especially if you've had too much sugar water). If he's over the authority thing, Teacher'll make a move. If you're over the authority thing, you will. Either that or you'll have a respectable Remains of the Day relationship, which was a fabulously unrequited torture-fest (and one of the few times I wished Anthony Hopkins would shed his feathers). Either way, enjoy the ride and the bond you have with this person.

If you'll excuse me, I have to kick some chicks.
--CB