Monday, July 31, 2006

Confessions of Crazy Hen

The Secrets of Life-long Celebrity-aholic

Today's Confession:

Crazy Hen might have spotted a commercial celebrity at the gym today. And she might have chosen to work out next to his elliptical machine--and stared. His speed was set at 85 (impressive) and he was watching the Maury Povich show.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Confessions of Crazy Hen

The Secrets of Life-long Celebrity-aholic

Today's Confession:

I've used lines from Julia Roberts movies and Sex and the City episodes (not racy ones) with real boyfriends. And will continue to do so...

Monday, July 24, 2006

Ask Chicken Butt

Dear Chicken Butt,

I've been dating a guy, who is successful, fun and anorexic. I know what you're thinking, usually it's the girls who are sticking their fingers down their throats and tossing back gallons of laxatives, but not this time. We always have fun together, but I can't get serious with a guy who weighs less than me. Honestly, he is an x-ray. I don't want to hurt his feelings by telling him I'm just not attracted to him, but I can't keep stringing him along. Please help me figure out what to say to him.

Signed,

Healthy, but No Heifer

Dear Big-Bones,

You're in good company since we've all dated a Rik Ocasek or two. Plenty of men are starving themselves to lollipop size and have what's called on Will & Grace "Man-orexia." An example of man-skinny is Christian Bale's heroic weight loss for The Machinist.

Now, there's a bag 'o bones I can work with. Okay, not really (Gloria Steinem is his stepmother). I have no wisdom here except that if your man is that skinny, he might have deeper t-issues you don't need. In the meantime, life is like a box of chocolates (another example of admirable weight loss, Tom Hanks in Castaway), so go get yourself some--chocolate, I mean.

As far as what to say, just be honest and tell him that you're on too much psycho-tropic medication to deal with a normal-weighing man such as himself.

CB

Friday, July 21, 2006

Ask Chicken Butt


Dear Chicken Butt,

I think I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder from watching the Lady in the Water trailer. While Bryce Dallas Howard's spooky eyes taunt me, I'm more disturbed by the whisper-talking and the expectation of a shocking twist. And why do directors insist on appearing in their own movies (Woody Allen is excused)? Do directors really just want to be actors? I'm also afraid of M. Night's penchant for repetition writing a la Edward Burns. Okay, so I have trouble filling up those 100 pages on Final Draft, too. But whatever, I can't sleep at night and I'm hyper-vigilant when I walk from my home to the deli on the corner. When will this go away?

Lady Trapped in Her Apartment


Dear Shamalyan Shut-in,

Fear not, your pain will last only two weeks, which is how long the movie will stay in theaters. Let's hope that M. Night learns that his twists don't twist anymore. Maybe his next movie should be: Non-Freaky Lady Who Lives on Land. No Really. I may have caught some of your PTSD because I can't get "Cleveland, run!" out of my head. And every time someone asks me a question, I repeat the question and address the person by his full name in my response.

Go take a dip. The water is warm because someone just peed. There's your twist.
CB

Monday, July 17, 2006

Ask Chicken Butt

Dear Chicken Butt,

Sometimes I think hiring a sixteen-year-old Swedish Houseboy would solve all my problems. He could run all my errands, do home improvement projects, dust--and, you know, satisfy the rest of my needs. I could dress him up and take him out when I need a date. I would have so much more free time, between not having to run errands, clean the pool or search for a man to complete me; I could finish my needlepoint or write haiku (like you). Is there anything wrong with a twenty-three- year age difference? Wouldn't I be doing a good thing, you know, helping a foreigner get a job and a visa, etc. And my house would be clean. Some friends in my circle think it is wrong and a plan destined to fail. I'm not ready to give up yet, as I see only benefits.

Signed,

Slå två flugor i en smäll (kill two birds with one stone)


Dear Felon,

By satisfying your needs, you mean...teaching you the secret formula for those juicy meatballs at Ikea, right? I see no problem with making your teenager work around the house and drive you to your functions. Kids nowadays can barely lift a paper clip without a dose of Ritalin. As for hormones, I would keep them to yourself, unlike Polanski and Mary-Kay LeTourneau (the former made the unfortunate The Ninth Gate and the latter found a twelve-year-old boy hot--though is an example of gorgeous forty-something-dom).

When your Swede is legal, do consider multiple roles. J. Lo did this with her first husband, Oeworwiue Wweoiruwoeui, a waiter--as did Matt Damon with that L. person. Can I list the number of songstresses who have married their managers? And as for age difference, the best example is Maxwell Caufield marrying the woman who plays the witch on the soap opera I sometimes watch right before Dr. Phil.
There is a seventy-year age difference between them and they seem to be a blissful couple.

Another recent age difference, isn't Christie Brinkley's soon-to-be ex dating his nineteen-year-old assistant? I think I need an assistant.

Best of luck
CB