Saturday, November 11, 2006

Treadmill Confession

While running on the treadmill, and blasting my ears full of iPod, I get paranoid that I'm singing along with my ridiculous music from the 80s--some people do that without knowing it. So, periodically, I pull out an ear phone and listen.

Also, it's a given that when I step onto the treadmill, the person next to me leaves within two minutes. This means I smell or run spastically.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Election Tradition

Baseball, Mom, apple pie...and Tim Russert's white board.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Sty Guy

Dear Chicken Butt,

A close guy friend bemoaned the fact that his thirty-nine-old girlfriend wants to have children and won’t continue the relationship if he won’t consider this. He confided that he wishes he’d met her five years ago, that her best years are gone and that he’s left with the dregs. I’m thirty-nine also so he really hurt my feelings. This is why I don’t want to date anymore. Am I too sensitive?

--Wounded Chick

Dear Chick,

“Best years” for what? If he meant for best years for breeding, which seems a standard measure of women’s worth, yes, the best years are dwindling away. But Close Guy Friend sounds a little like Mr. My-hair-is-too-dark-to-cover-how-old-I-really-am James Woods who had that line about dating--that you want a puppy, not a dog. Poor puppy, I hope she pees all over his house. Close Guy Friend’s attitude doesn’t deserve a response, really. Just continue to live your best and more interesting years—and visualize where Close Guy Friend belongs:


Friday, November 03, 2006

Mussed Up for Mussina

Dear Chicken Butt,

I've long been a Yankee fan and go all slobbery over Mike Mussina. Not only does he concentrate on every pitch, but I can tell he cares. Plus, he graduated from Stanford with a degree in Economics, so he doesn't just blow spit bubbles. I just read in The New York Post that he's considering moving to the Mets. Is it bad for me to consider switching my allegiance?

Love, The Next Mrs. Mussina

Dear Dream On,

Love is a wonderful thing so I have to go the Tammy Wynnette route and say, Stand By Your Man on this one. Usually, I'd stress the importance of sticking with losers. And let's face it, the Yankees have been in a downward spiral since 2001. But there's a bright light on the horizon, something new, different, could be the Mets finally not sucking? They may become the new cool team in New York and if Mussina signs on, you should take that ricketty 7 train out to Shea. He could be your equivalent to Charlie Sheen's Wild Thing in Major League.
In the end, you're still watching posh millionaires running around a square. What could be more fun than that?

Now, I have to go scratch the dirt before I lob a fastball loogey at Sister Hen. She'll never see it coming!

Thursday, November 02, 2006


My cat taste-tests all my take-out food. If he doesn't want it, I know it's bad.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Confessions of Bachelorette Behavior

I went to a cafe to sit and work because I knew it would please my mother. I really went to the cafe to eat the pistachio marzipan tart. But I picked off the pistachios, which would totally piss off my mother.

It's okay because Harry Connick, Jr. picks out the raisins in Will & Grace. And Matthew McConaughey picks out non-brown colored M&Ms in The Wedding Planner. And Billy Bob Thorton only eats orange food.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Sibling Mind Games

Dear Chicken Butt,

I was updating my Netflix queue, adding all sorts of movies, when I realized it was my brother's account. Should I remove my choices? He will be horrified by "The L Word" and the new Lindsay Lohan movie.

--Sassy Sis

Dear Sassy,

Nah, leave it. This will add spice to your brother's life. Plus, he'll wonder if he's losing his mind and that's always fun. Your antics will get him back for the time he stole your clothes, locked you in a room, you had no escape and guests were arriving any second.

If you want to talk about evil siblings, one need only consult Bobby Brady, the king of cute pranks. Next time, though, consider raising the stakes. Like say, putting Tabasco, pepper, egg, vinegar in his soda.